In the last post, I wrote about the point in time that I learned: knowing God's Word and living a godly life are not automatically connected.
Through plenty of years of knowing about God and being interested in knowing good & evil...I finally had an encounter with Jesus that led me to a different understanding of Christianity. He showed me that it was time to stop chasing after "do's & don'ts" and start genuinely desiring to know Him & be changed by His Spirit.
Genuine desire to be changed by His Spirit wasn't going to flow from strong desire to know right & wrong. It also wasn't going to flow from the desire be perceived as good. Genuine desire to know God & be changed by Him would flow from being unsatisfied with my life apart from Him. And I was.
And so I'll continue: **16 year old me discovering my own genuine desire to know God, and simultaneously discovering that getting to know God is an extremely humbling experience.**
I mentioned previously that God began escorting me to a place where humility would have to reign and perspective could be restored. During this escort, I was okay with walking away from the things that I knew weren't good for me. I was okay with turning my back on the things that I understood as worldly pursuits (popularity, alcohol, romantic drama, academic excellence, athletic success, secular music, etc.)
However, it was during this escort that I also realized that, though there were some things I was glad to be walking away from, there were other things that I was trying to carry with me. Things that were secretly heavy and making my trek more difficult than it needed to be. I was saying to God, "Hey! Take me where you want to take me! I'll leave the worldly things behind!" But in the next breath I'd add, "But also don't forget that __________ is just a part of who I am, so it has to come with us! "
I would hook arms with Jesus, get so excited to go on a journey with him, but I kept trying to bring a backpack full of everything He told me I wouldn't need anymore.
A bag full of my own personal schedule, beliefs, comforts, emotions, pursuits, and cravings. A bag of things that felt near and dear to my heart. Characteristics and feelings that had defined me for so long, that it felt natural & necessary for them to come with me.
Anxiousness. Seriousness. Impatience. Sass. Introvertedness (if that were a word:). Critical thinking. Skepticism. Gossip. High walls. Strong-will. Sarcasm.
Beliefs like, "The world is a scary place." "I am just an anxious person." "I don't really like being with people." "No one understands me." "God wants me to be at peace, so there's nothing wrong with staying comfortable." "Very few people are trustworthy."
Heavy stuff. A lot for a girl to try carrying on her back.
Thankfully, I was not the first person God had ever escorted. He knew I'd try to bring things with me. He was prepared to help me unload everything I didn't need, even if it had to be gradually, as we took our quest to restored perspective.
It was in this season that He magnified Matthew 11 to me. Specifically the last couple verses that read, "Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. My yoke is easy, and my burden is light" (verse 28-30).
I knew I wanted to experience that rest for my soul, so I was going to need to learn from him.
I don't believe it to be coincidental that the two things he decided to list about himself after urging his followers to learn from him were, "I am gentle and humble at heart" (verse 29).
That was what he wanted me to know. The yoke he was calling me to put on was humility. The willingness to confess, "My own ways are not worth clinging to, I'd rather be made new by You!"
With this posture - I would no longer have to stay yoked to my own tendencies and sins. Instead - I could be yoked to the wisest, most loving, all-powerful, and gentle Savior & friend.
This picture helped me unravel what Jesus meant when he said, thousands of years ago, "If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it" (Matthew 10: 39). This still rings true today.
For me personally, it translates as, "If you cling to your fears, anxieties, aloneness, and ungodly characteristics, you won't experience the FULL life that I want you to experience! But if you give up your fears, anxieties, aloneness, and ungodly characteristics, you WILL find that more life is available for you!"
I needed to take that yoke upon me. I needed to learn from Jesus. Jesus was gentle and humble at heart. If I stepped into that same position - I was destined to begin walking more like Jesus. If I would just drop that backpack full of "necessities" that I thought had to come along with me on my journey to be set apart - THEN I would truly begin to feel that his burden is, indeed, very light.
Humility cries out, "Your will, God. Not mine!"
"Your kingdom, God. Not mine!"
Once I was graced with a genuine desire to know God, I was then invited to put on humility.
Jesus is inviting all of us into humility! He promises us that humbly laying down our own lives - the personality traits that we feel are forever engrained in us, the nag to be guided by specific emotions, the friendships we thought we could never separate ourselves from...all of it - will be absolutely worth it in comparison to the new way of life he wants to guide us into.
& we can't assume that this surrender will be a one time decision. It might be a decision we have to make 40 times a day (in fact, it most likely will be more than that). Regardless, we have been informed by Jesus that humility will take a weight off of our shoulders. It relieves so many pressures and so many expectations we've unknowingly placed on ourselves.
Maybe you are unsure of if you are currently walking in humility, or pride?
Start by evaluating, "Do I feel heavy right now? Do I feel overwhelmed? Have I been a victim to my own feelings and emotions lately? Do I feel stuck?"
All of these questions are questions that we should ask ourselves daily. No matter what our evaluation reveals to us, we have Jesus to turn to!
Jesus says, "Hey! Learn from me! When you walk with me, and surrender to me, and trust me...the weight you will carry will be light!"
If you're feeling heavy, maybe ask God to show you what's in your backpack. Any day is a good day to start slowly unpacking.
I pray that this might resonate with you or touch your heart in some small way!
From my heart to yours,
Kira
